Release

Mother’s Day started for me while pregnant with Lane, my first child, over 9 ½ years ago.  It was a surreal day, because, not having even seen my child yet, it was hard to think of myself as an actual “mother”.  These days, it’s a lot easier to see a “mom” looking back at me in the mirror.  As a matter of fact, it’s an old hat by now, a role that I wear with confidence, as if I have been playing this part for more years than I actually have.  Even as a college student, studying to get my Marketing degree, I daydreamed about becoming someone’s mother.  I knew then what I am sure of now.  Having children would fulfill in me something that I always felt was missing.  I knew I wanted to have several kids if possible, and be a stay-at-home mom.  (Of course, at 19-years-old, I didn’t know the enormous sacrifice this would take, but would soon enough figure it out!)

With the birth of Elise, my position of everyday mom, morphed into nurse, therapist, doctor, caregiver, secretary, researcher, and crusader for my little girl.  It took several years of grueling travel and therapy for Elise, feelings of overwhelming guilt, and major nudging by my family to finally concede to becoming less of those previous titles to Elise, and more of a Mama again.  

Ty holds his own special place in my heart.  He was my baby that brought normalcy back into our lives.  From the beginning, I soaked up the experiences that most moms may tend to overlook with their third child.  I imprinted all of the typical occurrences, mundane routines, and ordinary happenings with each of his days.  I missed all of this with Elise, and it was crucial for me to regain the normal development and upbringing of a child again.  However taxing and exhausting having another kiddo following a child with severe brain injury is, for us it has been more than worth it!  His existence has alleviated  much of the sadness and heartache that was felt by my husband and me.  

My Aunt Sissy (Phyllis) recently gave me a painting that she created for me.  It shows me standing on a cliff, with a beautiful sky in front of me.  I am extending my arms out to the heavens, turning loose of something beautiful.  The picture hangs above Elise’s bed for me to see all throughout the day.  My aunt said that when she painted it, she was thinking of me giving Elise to God.  She told me to interpret it however I personally saw it.  

For now, with Elise still here with me, and sleeping under this painting, I see myself giving my burdens, worries, and anxieties up to God.  It is a physical interpretation of my trusting prayer for Jesus to take Elise from me and make her His own each day.  This painting will mean something very different to me once she is with Jesus in Heaven.  I think that only then, will I see the beautiful “something” that I am turning loose of as Elise herself.  Gone from me, but forever in the presence of her God.  My aunt’s painting means a lot to me now, but will hold an entirely different significance to me in the future.  

The most important thing I have ever done as a mom is to release my children to God.  By doing this, I am telling Him, “I trust You”, and “You know best”.  This is not particularly hard for me.  I find it relieving to know that I am not in total control of these little humans.  The Lord holds the reins.  

Elise is not my only child.  I have two wonderful, loving sons, who fill my life with happiness.  So, I am also aware of the many ways I will need to let go of my boys as they become teenagers, young men, and even husbands and fathers.  This relinquishing of our children does not end with childhood, although it is certainly an important time to begin.  The earlier, the better.  I want to put God in charge of these three souls that He created.  

Mother’s Day, to me, means more than a foot rub, homemade gift, or being taken out to lunch.  This day carries with it a deeper meaning of who I am as the mother of Lane Christian, Elise Caroline, and Ty Christopher.  To them, I am a giver.  I release them to the Lord, trusting Him with their days, nights, struggles, achievements, and most importantly, their eternity.  

Mama and Lane

Mama and Elise

Mama and Ty

Mother’s Day Gifts

Kind of a silly picture of Elise, but she is happy and that makes me happy.  I love the scribbles at the bottom made by Elise and her teacher working hand over hand.

This frame came home with Elise from school today.  I will keep it forever.  

 This heart box was a Mother’s Day gift from Lane several years ago.  He bought all of the supplies at Hobby Lobby, and was very proud to give it to me.  It was on an elastic band that bounced at least a foot and a half each time I took a step.  Six-year-old Lane fully expected me to wear it around my neck to church, which I did, of course.  

 I have no idea what this wheelbarrow was all about.  It is another creation from Hobby Lobby.  Lane made this many years ago.  I like how he included Elise’s name on one side.  He put a miniature Bible and mini coke cans in it.  Kind of random, but I cherish it!

This is my first Mother’s Day card from Ty.  He was very excited to give it to me.  He pointed to it and said, “There are flowers!  And a McDonald’s!”  (pointing at the M in Mother’s Day…)  That’s what I call brand recognition!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mamas out there!!!